(And plenty of
others)
All of these jokes have been stolen!
Special Treat!
How to: Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
*Bonus* Gator Bird Wisdom & Dogs


Taking No Chances
    Boudreaux, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
    The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
    Boudreaux thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150."
    Boudreaux replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later He rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


Remarrying
    "Marie," Boudreaux whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
    "Mais, yeh, I guess," she replied.
    "Would you sleep in de same bed wit him?"
    "Well, it's de only bed in de house, so I guess I'd have to."
    "Would you make love to him?"
    "Cher," Marie said patiently, "I guess, since he'd be my husband."
    "Would you give him my pickum-up truck?"
    "No, Boudreaux. I wouldn't never give him your pickum-up truck." she yawned, "Besides, he don't know how to drive a stick shift."

Feel Good Signs
Sign in front of business in Florida

Now, wouldn't that make you feel better about stopping?

Sign in front of business in North Carolina

Too bad if Regular makes your engine knock!


Row vs Wade
    Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US Government class. The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
    Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "Dat was de decision George Washington had to make befo' he crossed de Delaware."


Cheating
    Boudreaux suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes out and buys a gun. He goes to his house unexpectedly and when he opens the door he finds her in the arms of another man.
    Well, Boudreaux is really angry. He pulls out the gun, and as he does so, he is overcome with grief. He takes the gun and puts it to his head. His wife yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!"
    Boudreaux replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


Boudreaux Gets the Job
    Boudreaux, out of work, is seeking to join the Iberia Parish Sheriff's Department and is being interviewed.
    Officer Thibodeaux doing the interview says: "Mista Boudreaux, you qualifications all look good, but dere is an attitude suitability test dat you muss take before you can be accepted."
    Boudreaux is excited and can't wait to take the test.
    Officer Thibodeaux slides a pistol and a box of ammo across his desk and says, "Take dis pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, and six Muslim extremists." Officer Thibodeaux hesitated just a second looking at Boudreaux then added, "And a rabbit."
    As Boudreaux reached for the pistol and ammo, he suddenly asked, "Mais, why duh rabbit?"
    "I love yo' attitude!" says Officer Thibodeaux, "You passed! When can you start?"


Make a sentence
    When he was in school Boudreaux's teacher asked him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
    Boudreaux says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."


Mary Lou
    One day while Marie was washing Boudreaux's clothes, she found a piece of paper in Boudreaux's pants pocket. She opens up the paper and it has the name "Mary Lou" written on it. Marie got real mad and stormed into the room where Boudreaux was and said, "Mais Boudreaux, you better explain to me who dis 'Mary Lou' is, rite now!"
    Boudreaux said, "Mais Marie, don't you go worryin bout dat. I went to de race track today and dat's the horse dat I bet on!"
    Marie thought about it some and said "OK, but don't you ever let me find out dat you been messin around with somebody else."
    The next day the phone rang and Marie answered it, after a while she hung up the phone and then went over to Boudreaux carrying a big iron skillet and hit Boudreaux in the side of the head.
    Boudreaux, rubbing his head, said "Marie, mais what you done dat for?!"

Marie said, "Mais, your horse just called!"


Boudreaux Daughter's Engagement
    Boudreaux's daughter brings home her new fiancé to meet Boudreaux & Marie. After dinner, Marie tells Boudreaux to find out about the young man. Boudreaux invites the fiancé to the back room for a drink.
    "So what are your plans?", Boudreaux asks the young man.
    "I am a scripture scholar.", he replies.
    "A scripture scholar. Hmmm," Boudreaux says, "Dats good, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
    "I will study and God will provide for us.", the young man replies.
    "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring?", asks Boudreaux.
    "I will concentrate on my studies.", the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
    "And children?", asks Boudreaux. "How will you support de children?"
    "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
    The conversation proceeds like this, and each time Boudreaux asks a question about the young man's future, the young man insists that God will provide.
   Later, Marie asks Boudreaux, "Mais, how did it go, Boudreaux?"
    Boudreaux answers Marie by saying, "Mais, he has no job, and he has no plans, but the good news is ... he thinks I'm God."


Boudreaux & the Game Warden Go Fishing
    This Louisiana game warden had been keeping an eye on the fishing docks, when after about a week he noticed that Boudreaux had been coming back every day with a boat full of fish.
    One day he starts to talk to Boudreaux as he's pulling his boat in. The warden says, "Boudreaux, I been watchin you. I notice every day dat you been comin' in wid a full load of fish. You must be havin some good luck? Eh?"
    Boudreaux answers, "May yah, dem fish is easy to catch."
    The game warden replies, "Well listen. I got me a day off comin next Saturday. I was wonderin', maybe I could go an fish wid you?"
    Boudreaux replies, " Mais dat be no problem. Jus make shore you be here at 6 a.m. sharp. Cause I gonna leave dis dock wid or widout you."
    "Mais I'll be here, doan chu worry none about dat" answers the warden.
    Saturday comes and the game warden is waiting at the dock when Boudreaux pulls up and puts his boat in the water. The game warden gets in and Boudreaux proceeds to drive the boat out to the middle of the lake. At this point, Boudreaux shuts off the engine and lets the boat glide to a stop.
    The game warden, who'd been curious anyway, says to Boudreaux, " Mais Boudreaux, I been lookin aroun dis boat, and I notice dat all you don brought was dis here ice-chest and dat little brown paper bag under your seat. Mais, you don't even got no fishin pole."
    Boudreaux answers, " Mais, dat be because dats all I need" And he proceeds to pull a stick of dynamite out of the brown paper bag, lights it, thows it in the water and watches it go boooom! All the fish in the area, being stunned, float to the top of the water.
    The warden, by this time, can't believe his eyes. Half yelling, he says to Boudreaux, " Mais Boudreaux, I know we been knowin each udder for a long time, but man, you can't be doing dat, especially wid me being a game warden n' all. Mais, dat's agin de law in a big way dat is."

    Boudreaux, without say anuder word, calmly reaches down into the bag (with the warden still rattling off), pulls out another dynamite stick, lights it, hands it to the warden and says, "You gonna talk, or you gonna fish?"


Boudreaux & the Elevator
    One day Boudreaux, his wife Marie, and Boudreaux's friend, Pierre went to the city. While Marie went shopping, Boudreaux & Pierre decided to go check out one of them tall buildings. Inside the building, Boudreaux & Pierre came to these big golden doors.
    Boudreaux says,"Wonda wot dees doors lead to?"
    So Boudreaux & Pierre stare at the doors for a few minutes until an old woman comes up to the doors. She pushes a button near the door, the doors open, she goes inside, & the doors close.
    Boudreaux & Pierre watch as numbers above the door start to change from "1" to "2" to "3", then the numbers stop a while then change again from "3" to "2" to "1". Then the doors open and a beautiful young voluptuous woman walks out!
    Boudreaux tells Pierre, "Mais you saw dat!? Hurry up--lets go find Marie so we can put her in dere!"


Boudreaux & the Pig
    Boudreaux was riding along the highway when a truck passes with some pigs in it. One of the pigs falls out and Boudreaux stops to pick it up.
    A while later, a state trooper stops and says "Boudreaux, what you doin with dat pig?"
    Boudreaux says "A man passed by wid a truck full of pigs and dis one fell out. I was goin to try to catch up with de truck and give de man his pig back."
    The state trooper says "Boudreaux, dat man is long gone, why don't you just take dat pig to de zoo?"
    Boudreaux said "OK".
    A couple of days later, the state trooper sees Boudreaux at the Dairy Queen with the pig still in his truck. But now the pig is up in the cab with Boudreaux. He stops and asks Boudreaux "Didn't I tell you to bring dat pig to the zoo?"
    Boudreaux says "Mais, yeah, I did, but we had so much fun at de zoo dat I tink we are gonna go to AstroWorld next!"


Pierre & Boudreaux Go Hunting
    Pierre and Boudreaux wanted to go hunting, but didn't have a place to hunt.
    Pierre said, "The old farmer down the road is a friend of mine. He's so old, that can't even get out into his fields no more. I'll bet he'd let us hunt there."
    When they got there, Pierre told Boudreaux that he would go into the house, and ask for permission to hunt on the farmer's land. Pierre went into the house, and his friend, the old farmer said, "That's all right with me, but could I get you to do me a small favor in return?"
    The farmer said, "Mud Bug, my old hunting dog is so old, he is in constant agony. I need to put him out if his misery, but I just don't have the heart. Before you take to my fields, could you please use your gun and do it for me? He's in the front yard, he's in so much pain, he can't even make it into the house any more."
    Pierre said that he would help the old farmer, and went out into the yard, to tell Boudreaux that they could hunt there. As he was walking down the front steps, he got an idea for a joke that would scare Boudreaux.
    When Boudreaux said, "Did he tell us we could hunt on his land?", Pierre, for a joke, said, "No, that's the meanest old farmer I've EVER met -- I'll show HIM!!" Then he shot the old dog, and said, "That'll show him."
    The surprised Boudreaux ran to the farmer's barn, and Pierre fell on the ground, laughing, because he scared Boudreaux enough to run away and hide.
    Suddenly, Pierre heard, "BLAM......BLAM." Then Boudreaux ran out of the barn, and shouted to Pierre, "O.K., I got the horse and cow... Now, let's get the hell otta here!"


Kindergarten Assignment
    A kindergarten class in a small rural Cajun school had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon (T-Boy Boudreaux), walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then walked right back to his desk and sat back down.
    Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
    "It's a period," said T-Boy.
    "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
    "Damned if I know," said T-Boy, "but dis mornin' my big sister said she was missing one. Momma fainted, Daddy had a heart attack, and ole Thibodeaux next door, he shot hisself."


80 Mile an Hour Ticket
    Boudreaux and Marie were speeding along on the Interstate 10, high rise bridge over Whisky Bay when Boudreaux saw the red-light flashing in the rearview window. Boudreaux pulled over as well as he could to the side of the bridge.
De State Trooper walked up to the window with his clipboard in his hand. He axed, "Did you know that you were going 80 miles an hour and the speed limit on this bridge is 60."
    Boudreaux looked at the carpet of the truck for the cigarette he dropped. He said, "Nope. I was going 60."
    The Trooper sounded fed up as he looked at his clipboard and said, "Nope. I clocked you at 80." The trooper looked over at Marie sitting looking out of the passenger window at the cypress trees in the water. The Trooper said, "Maam, I clocked the man at 80. He said he was going 60. Now you tell me. Was he going 60 or 80?"
    Marie, looking straight ahead through the windshield, said, "I never argue wit Boudreaux when he been drinkin'."


Boudreaux Goes to Confession
    Boudreaux, in his usual highly inebriated state, accidentally stumbled into the church building Saturday afternoon, trips his way into the confessional and sits down. The Priest, there of course to hear confession, hears nothing.

    The Priest clears his throat to let Boudreaux know that he's ready to listen to him, but still hears nothing. He then knocks on the wall separating them, and Boudreaux tells him, "Sorry, podnuh, der ain't no paper in dis one neither!"



Air France Loves Birds!

Cajun Airlines
    Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulance an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconsshus. Then da plane started driftin. Pierre him come running up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel.
    Well, Pierre don't know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 10210. Boudreaux, him knock unconsshus an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!"
    "Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nutin. We gonna splain how fo you to land dat plane, step by step, ah ga-ron-tee! Jus leave everyting ta us. Firs, how high aw you an what's you position?"
    Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all a da way to da front of da plane."
    "No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?"
    Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!"
    "No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to da airport!"
    Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine we got four feet off da ground an I don't tink dis plane's related to you airport!"
    A long pause --- "Dis is da control tower, we needs to know who you next of kin is and where ta send da flowers!"


Boudreaux Pays Respect
    Boudreaux, Thibodeaux, and Gautreaux was playing a big round of golf for $200. At the 18th green Boudreaux had hisself a ten foot putt to win dat round, and the $200.
    As Boudreaux was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. Boudreaux sat down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for de funeral procession to pass him by. After it passed, Boudreaux picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
    Seeing dis, Thibodeaux said, "Mais cher, dat was de most touching ting I never seen befo. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing all you concentration, to pay you respects."
    "Well", Boudreaux replies, "after all, we was married fo 25 years."


Boudreaux Marks the Spot?
    One day Boudreaux and Thibodeaux decide to go out to the basin to do some fishing. So they go down to the dock and rent them a real nice pirogue (cajun canoe), get all the bait they need, pack up the pirogue, and go on their way. Well, they try all day long at all of the good spots that they can find, but don't catch a single one.
    Finally, Boudreaux turns to his partner and says, "Thib, mais dis is ridiculous. We've been here all day and tried every spot we know of and we still haven't caught a single fish. Let's try one more spot. If we don't catch a ting, then we're leaving." So the two go to one more spot on the basin, and what do you know, they start catching fish left and right. In fact, they caught their limit, the boat was full...
    Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks, "Thib, pass me dat piece of chalk over dere."
    Thibodeaux replies, "Now Boudreaux, what the hell are you gonna do with a piece of chalk?!" and hands Boudreaux the chalk.
Boudreaux reaches over the side of the pirogue and marks a big X and answers, "Mais Thib, I'm gonna mark this spot on the side of the pirogue so dat the next time we come out here we can remember where to catch all dees fish!"
    Thibodeaux turns to him, gives him a scathing look, and says, "Mais dat's the STUPIDEST ting I never heard Boudreaux!! How you know we gonna rent de same boat nex time?!"


He was having fun! - At first

Boudreaux Goes to Hell
    Boudreaux dies and goes to hell. The devil wants to make him miserable so he turns up the heat and goes to Boudreaux's room and asks how he likes it there.
    Boudreaux says "Oh mais cher, it feels like a good southern day in June."
The devil gets mad and turns up the heat even more. He goes back and asks Boudreaux how do he likes it now.
    Boudreaux says "Oh mais cher, it feels like a good southern day in July."
The devil's really mad now and goes back and turns the thermostat all the way to COLD (Freezing Cold!! - It's so cold that Hell freezes over) - The devil goes back to Boudreaux, who now has icicles hanging off his moustache, and asks him how he likes it now.
    Boudreaux says, "I'm one happy Cajun, da Saints done won dem a Superbowl!"


Boudreaux meets St. Peter
    Poor ole Boudreaux up and died one day. Upon arriving at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter greeted him, "Welcome to Heaven, dere Boudreaux!"
    Boudreaux exclaimed "Mai, tank ya, cher!"
    St. Peter explained to ole Boudreaux that there was one stipulation before he was allowed through the gates of Heaven....he had to answer one question and get it right.
    Boudreaux scratched his head and said, "Mai, ok, cher. What dat be?"
    St. Peter says "What is God's first name?"
    Boudreaux answers, "Mai, cher, dat be easy, it's Howard."
    St. Peter (laughing himself silly) "HOWARD? May I ask you, Boudreaux, how'd you come up with that name?"
    Boudreaux, smiling proudly, says "Mai cher, dat be an easy one.....Our Fadda who art in Heavin, HOWARD be dy name."


Boudreaux's Death Notice
    Mrs. Boudreaux went to the local newspaper and said she wanted to put in the Obituary Column that Boudreaux died. They told her it would be $1.00 per word.
    She said, "Here's $2.00 - put in dere dat BOUDREAUX DIED.
    They said, Mrs. Boudreaux, surely you want more dan dat."
She said, Mais, no, just Boudreaux died.
    The editor said, "Well, you're a little upset. Bring yourself back tomorrow and you will probably tink of somethin else.
    She came back the next day, and said, "Yeh, I taught of somethin else,
"BOAT FOR SALE".


Mrs. Boudreaux Goes Into Labor
    Boudreaux calls the doctor and says, "Doc, doc, my wife Marie is in ta labor and da contractions are only two minutes apart!"
    The doctor asked, "Is this her first child?"
    Boudreaux shouts, "No, you idiot, dis is her husband!"


Boudreaux's Measuring Stick
    Boudreaux is walking down the road when he's approached by his friend, Thibodeaux, who is carrying a very long bamboo fishing pole, and a yardstick. They stop and talk awhile, when Thibodeaux stands the pole straight up in the air, and attempts to reach the very top with the yardstick.
    Seeing it won't work, ole Boudreaux yanks the pole from Thibodeaux's hands, lays it on the sidewalk and measures it. "There you go; it's 12 feet long", says Boudreaux.
    Thibodeaux, upset and very irritated, grabs the yardstick and yells to Boudreaux, "You damn fool! I don't wanna know how long it is! I wanna know how high it is!"


Bear Hunt Trip
    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were driving on the highway, on their way to go bear hunting.
    They come upon this fork in the road, where there was a sign that said "BEAR LEFT".
    They turned around and went home.


Cajun Christening
    Boudreaux's pregnant sister, Clotile, was in a real bad auto accident and went into a coma for nearly six months. She awakens and sees she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, and your brother, Boudreaux named them for you."
"Oh no, not my brother, Boud, he be a idiot," she said. Expecting the worst, she askes the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
    "Denise," says the doctor.
"Maise how about that, that's a beautiful name, maybe I misjudged Boudreaux, that's a name I like." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
    "Denephew" says the doctor.


Planning Ahead
    Boudreaux is on his deathbed and his daughter comes to visit him for the last time.
    "Daddy, is there anything I do for you?"
    "May, what you Mama doing?" The daughter said, "She in the kitchen making a big pot of gumbo!"
    Boudreaux managed to say, "Go get me a bowl of gumbo, Hun"
    The daughter leaves and comes back and says, "Mama says the gumbo is for after the funeral."


Cajun Telecommunications
    After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
    Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the Scots."
    One week later, "The Daily Iberian" in New Iberia, LA reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in cane fields near New Iberia, Gaston Boudreaux, a self-taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Gaston has, therefore, concluded that 300 years ago Cajuns were already using wireless."



Does your Kitty Wave Bye Bye to you?



Boudreaux the Catholic
    Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

    Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The strong delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

    Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the priest immediately and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

    There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."


Jonah and the whale
    May, Boudreaux's daughter, told her teacher at school that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
    But her teacher, who was a new-ager, told May that a whale's throat was too small for a man to pass therefore Jonah could not possibly have been swallowed by a whale.
    May, however, was adamant that Jonah was swallowed by the whale.
    Finally, after they went back and forth a few times, May told her teacher that when she died and went to heaven she would make it a point to ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale.
    May's teacher had a comeback for this. "But what if Jonah went to hell?" Asked the teacher.

    May smiled and coolly replied to the teacher, "Well if that's the case you'll be able to ask him about it yourself."


Excellent examples of Rural Advertising?



Going crabbing?
    Boudreaux didn't come home one night and his wife Marie is worried. A few days later Boudreaux's friend Thibodeaux comes by and tells Marie he's got some bad news and some good news for her and asks what she wants to hear first.
Might as well get it over with she's thinkin'. " Gimme the bad news first," she says.
    "We found Boudreaux floating face down in the Bayou, he wuz dead," says Thibodeaux.
"Oh my goodness," says Marie holding her face in her hands. But then she wipes off the tears looks up and asks, "What could be the good news?"
    Thibodeaux answers, "The good news is that we picked 3 hampers of No. 1 blue crabs off him," Thibodeaux then takes out his wallet and hands Marie a bill, "Here's $20 for your share."
    Before Marie could say anything Thibodeaux continues, "Marie, I gotta tell you that it worked out so well that if it's alright with you we're planning to run him again tonight!"


Q: What did the Cajun girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"A: Is it mine?"


The Others...


Don't you know it gal!!
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with loads of money.
And as Mae West always said, "Too much of a good thing is wonderful." She also said,
"I used to be like Snow White,
but I drifted and learned that the best way to behave is to misbehave."




Lying Lawyer
    A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
    An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move.
    The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I got a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
    As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them.
    The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.
    "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
    The wide-eyed lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"


Dog Gone
    An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
    The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
    The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
    The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
    The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
    An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."


The birds and the bees
    Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
    "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
    "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, you tell me there was no Tooth Fairy, then you told me Easter Bunny wasn't real, and then finally, you told me Santa was only a tale for kids. I'm warning you, if you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for."


Little Johnny in Class
    Little Johnny tells the teacher, "I need to go take a piss.!"
    The teacher is upset by the coarse language and tells Johnny, "Johnny you shouldn't use that kind of language in class, from now on use the word "urinate". If you use the word "urinate" in a sentence properly I'll let you go to the restroom."
    Johnny says, "Okay. Urin-ate ..... but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten!"


Pleasing a Woman?
    A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
    There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
    So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
    So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"
    And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
    The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
    The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
    The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
    This 6th floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


The Newlyweds
    A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
    One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

    The husband says, "Do I look like Mr. Plumber?"

    A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

    He says: "Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?"

    Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

    He says, "Do I look like Bob Vila?"

    The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. And so is the car.
    He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
    "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
    His wife says, "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
    "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

    She says, "Do I look like Betty Crocker?"


Can't Throw? or Can't Catch?

Name That Animal
    Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
    "A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
    "A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
    The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher offered a hint,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
    "I know!, I know!" called out Little Johnny. "It's a horny bastard!"


The Italian
    In 1950 an elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
    "Of course, my son," said the priest.
    "Well, Father, during World War Two, a young, beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
    "That's a wonderful thing, my son, but it's nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
    "There's more, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
    "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; It is possible that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
    "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask one other question?"
    "Of course, my son," said the priest.
    The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"


Evolution vs. Divine Intervention
    A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
    The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
    Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
    The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

    The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."


Widdle Wabbit
    A precious little girl walks into a Pet Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
    She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit!!"


Tribal secret
    A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
    "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
    The doctor was appalled, but not wanting to go against tribal custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
    Then a man from the tribe asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."


Where's the Post Office?
    The famous evangelist Billy Graham once visited a small town to preach at the local church. Before he went to the church he needed to mail a letter back home, so he went looking for the post office. He pulled his car over to the side of the road and asked a boy walking his dog where it was and the boy politely answered.
    Mr. Graham then invited the boy to attend the church where he'd be preaching. He said, "You can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."
    The boy simply replied, "I don't think I'll be there. You don't even know your way to the post office!


Q: What is a wok?

A: A wok is sumting you twow at wabbits.


Aarrrrgh!

Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.


Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: It's two gross..



Impressive Horse
    A guy is cycling through the country when he spots a sign that reads, "Talking Horse for Sale." Intrigued, he goes to the stable to check it out. Not expecting much he walks up to the horse and asks. "So, what have you done with your life?"
    "I've led a full life," the horse miraculously answers in a deep voice. "I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country."
    The guy is flabbergasted. He turns to the horse's owner to ask, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?"
    The owner says, "Because he's a damn liar! He never did any of that!"


Q: What are a shark's two most favorite words?

A: Man overboard!


Fantasies of Wealth
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
    Before the teacher can object little Johnny jumps up and says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs. I wanna take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her five times a day".

    The teacher is shocked, doesn't know what to do with the bad behavior of the child, but decides it's probably best not to make a big deal of it. So the teacher continues the lesson with her best student.
    "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Susie says with a big smile, "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."


Simplified Income-Tax Form

(1. What was your income for the year? $_________

(2. What were your expenses? $_________

(3. How much do you have left? $_________

(4. Send it in!


Sexual lessons
    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago".
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality."
    "Really," he gulped, "like what?"
    "Well," she explained with a wistful smile, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck."
    Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
    "Um, very pleased to meet you my dear. My name is Tonto Goldstein." With a big toothy smile he reached out to shake her hand. "But my friends just call me Bubba."


Confession
    Man to the priest: "Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl."
The priest: "Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once."
    Man: "And then I will be forgiven?"
Priest: "No, but it'll wipe that dirty grin off your face."


Vest

Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An Investigator!



Bees

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?

A: Boobies!


Why Marry
    A man asked his wife why she married him.
She answered, "Because you're funny."
    "I thought it was because I was so good in bed."
To that the wife started laughing so loud and hard she had to hold her stomach, Finally, after catching her breath, she pointed at him and replied, "You see, you're hilarious!!!"


The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21.


How does a rabbi make his coffee?

Hebrews it.


Hunting
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other hunter takes out his cell phone and hurriedly calls 911.

    When the operator answers the hunter yells, “We're out hunting and I think my friend just dropped dead!” he then asks. "What can I do!? - What can I do!?"

The veteran 911 operator replies in an even voice, "Calm down! First of all, you need to be sure he’s really dead."

"OK," says the hunter. There’s a short silence, then the 911 operator hears a loud gunshot through the phone.

    Finally the breathless hunter gets back on the phone and asks, "Okay, now what?"


Boy's Train
    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
    The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
    Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon."
    She hears the little boy continues, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    Just as the mother began to smile, the child adds, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, it was beyond my control, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


Argument
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yes," the wife replied, "in-laws."


Loving Husband
    At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the smiling priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Well-a, I'v-a tried to treat her nice-a, spend-a da money on her, but best-a of all is, I took-a her to Italia for the 25th anniversary!"

    The beaming priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
    Giuseppe smiled broadly, and proudly replied, " I'm-a gonna go back an pick-a her up."



Psychology
    She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.

     Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
    After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
    To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a Blow Job? That's outrageous!"


Dead Fish
    One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
    The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate. "Hi Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
    "My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.

    "That's cause he's inside your cat!"


Sex Discussion?

Wife: asks husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?"

Husband: Thinking wife is talking about sex, smiles and says, "Oh Yeah!"

Wife: Smiles and replies, "Okay! You do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."


Average

Q: Where are average and common things manufactured?

A: At the Satisfactory!


Job Interview
    "Everything looks good so far" said the Boss.
Then the Boss asks, "What's your biggest weakness?"
    The Applicant answers, "Honesty."
The Boss comments, "I don't consider that a weakness."
    The Applicant answers, "I don't give a shit what you think."


Gump Question

What's Forrest Gump's password?

Answer: 1Forrest1


Nosy
    The wife just said to interrogate her husband "Can you explain why I've just found another woman's panties in your coat pocket?"

    The husband replied "Of course I can explain. It's because you're a nosy bitch!"


Mailman's last day
    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
    At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
    Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
    "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. Then I asked him what he thought I should give you?"
    "My husband answered," '...Screw him,' "
"And, after a second he added," '...just give him a dollar.' "
    The blonde then blushed and admitted, "...But the breakfast was my idea."


Geeks
    Two engineering students were walking across campus. They just got to the bike stand when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes threw those down next to the bike, then she lay down next to the clothes. Finally she said, "Take what you want."

    The first engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Numbers
    The kindergarden teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
    "Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me."
"Can you tell me what comes after three?"
    "Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
    "Seven," answers little Johnny.
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?"
    Little Johnny answers, "A jack"


Big Mistake
    A state trooper in Texas pulled over a car with three occupants. All were wearing seatbelts, even the one who was asleep in the back seat. The trooper told the driver he was in no trouble but that he had stopped his car because of the ongoing auto and driver safety competition. He then informed the driver that since all of his lights and blinkers were working properly and since everyone in the car was wearing seatbelts he was authorized to offer him a thousand dollar prize in the safety competition.

    The trooper asked the driver, "Well congratulations, Sir. What are you going to do with your prize winnings?"
    The driver thought about it then answered, "Well, I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
    At that moment, the driver's wife who was seated next to him finally spoke, "Officer don't listen to him. He acts like a smart ass every time he gets drunk."

    The woman's whiney high nasal voice woke up the man in the back seat who saw the cop then exclaimed loudly, "Damn, Damn, Damn, I just knew we wouldn't get very far in this stolen car!"

    All of the loud excited voices prompted the man and woman in the trunk to cry out in their Spanish accents, "Amigos, por favor, we are sorry to bother you, but are we over the border yet?


Rubber
    An old man on crowded bus had trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.
    Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.
    The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this damn bus."


Daughter's questions
    A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
    "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It's not polite."
    "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
    Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
    "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
    "Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it."

    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 37."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
    "I also know that you weigh 135 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
    "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "Now I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
    The little girl explains, "Because you got an F in sex."


Bad Pun
    The husband makes an unfortunate remark to the wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

The wife makes no reply to this but only smiles. But later that night in bed the she replies when the husband makes amorous advances.

    "Do you really think I'm gonna fire up this big-ass grill for that itty bitty weenie?!"


Your duck is dead
    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
    A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, meowed softly, shook its head at the Vet then jumped down and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill and looked at the charges.

    "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $25, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan added, it's now $150."

And for all you mature beauties out there!

Divorce for Christmas
    A man in Scotland called his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Liverpool and tell her."
    Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
    She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife with a big smile. "Success! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."


D-I-V-O-R-C-E
    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
    "No," he said," becoming a bit irritated, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
    "I mean," he patiently continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
    Then the judge asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
    "Please," just barely containing his temper, he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
    Deciding to be very blunt the judge asked, "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "he gets up earlier than I do about twice a week."

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why the hell do you want a divorce?"

    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"


Identity Crisis
    "Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said the husband. "Don't you think it's time she got a place of her own?"

    "My mother?" replied the wife. "I thought she was your mother."


Triple Execution
    Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and the last one's a blonde.

    Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready ... Aim ..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!"

    Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "TORNADO!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
    By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "FIRE!!"



Three Kicks
    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer Peter replied shaking his head, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
    The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


Holy Lion
    Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
The men run as fast as they can, but then one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."
    He turns to look to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees with its paws folded in prayer.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he stops running, turns around, and heads towards the lion.
As the man gets closer, he can clearly hear the lion's prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."


DEA authority
    A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
    The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
    Hearing this the DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems very likely that he'll get gored and trampled before he reaches safety. The tiring officer is clearly terrified.
    The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... Show him your badge!"


Horny Rooster
    A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
    At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, even the cow.
    Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, apparently dead, with vultures circling overhead.
    The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster's limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"
    But the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, "Shhhh!, they are about to land."


Two Cowboys and the Indian
    Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
    "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about three miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
    "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

    The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."


Confused
    Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic. So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad.

    "Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and just steal the damn thing!"


Who's Lying
    Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding and driving recklessly."
    Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
    Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
    Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."
    Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
    Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
    Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
    Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
    Woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
    Woman, now looking bewildered: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please."
    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
    Woman: The woman digs into her handbag "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The first officer, looking on, is stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license." The woman digs into her handbag again and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
    Woman: Looking genuinely agast, said, "Betcha the lying bastard even told you I was speeding and driving recklessly, right?"


Not quiet
    This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent."
    The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
    The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
    "Good", the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing."


Stand by your man
    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"
    "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
    "I think you're bad luck."


Equitable Cop
    A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
    "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
   The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
    "Have a nice weekend," said the officer and he walked away.




Generous lawyer?
    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called on him to persuade him to contribute.
    "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
    The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
    "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

    On a roll, the self-satisfied lawyer cut him off one last time, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


Letter of Thanks
    Dear Kean Elementary:
    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
    My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
    The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.
    Thank you very much for that opportunity I took advantage of.
    So when she asked if she could listen to my radio, I told her to kiss my ass.
Sincerely,
Agnes Baker


Escapee
    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


Feminine Foibles
    One day a man was walking along the beach and found an old bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
    The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
    The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
    The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much. Ask for another wish."
    The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
    The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"


Bubba knows
    Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
    Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
    "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
   "The President," his boss quickly retorts.
    "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
    And off they go. At the White House, the President spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
    "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
    So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
    Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
    Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
    His groggy boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me pointed and asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"


Taxidermy
    A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
    "No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
    "I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
    The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"


Difference
    Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

A: Little Kids won't eat broccoli.


Chinese Plane Crash
    Recently, when a Asiana Airlines plane crashed in San Francisco a TV station in that city reported on the air the names of the flight crew. The station claimed that the National Transportation Safety Board released the names of the flight crew of the downed aircraft.
    Captain - Sum Ting Wong
    Co-Pilot - Wi Tu Lo
    1st Attendant - Ho Lee Fuk
    2nd Attendant - Bang Ding Ow

How's that for accurate reporting?


Fruit Loops
    A five-year old and a three-year old are up in their room before breakfast.
"You know what," says the five-year old, "I think it's time we started swearing."
    The Three-year old nods his head in agreement, so the five-year old says "When we go down for breakfast I'll swear first then you swear after me, Okay?"
"OK," the three-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks what the five-year old wants for breakfast.
"Shit Mom, I don't know. I guess I'll have some of those damned fruit loops.
    WHACK! WHACK! She spanks him!
He tumbles across the kitchen floor and runs upstairs crying.
    She then turns to the three-year old with a stern expression and asks, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"
"Hell if I know mom," he replied, "but it sure won't be those damned fruit loops!"


American?
    Q: If you are American before you go into the bathroom and you're American when you come out,
what are you when you're in the bathroom?

    A: European



Baby Cows?
    Q: Where are the two main places baby cows go for lunch and dinner?

    A: The Calf-ateria, and of course, the Udder place.

  1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.
  2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
  3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
  4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
  5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana!.
  6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
  7. Whenever you go out to eat, Order a Diet Water with a serious face.
  8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
  9. Sing Along At The Opera.
  10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
  11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
  12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
  13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

In Louisiana, Dates to Remember:
*May 2, 1803 The day the United States and France signed a treaty by which France sold the territory of Louisiana to the United States.
AKA ***The Louisiana Purchase***
OR:
*Feb. 7, 2010 in the Sun Life Stadium (Miami, FL) The day the Saints won a Super Bowl! (New Orleans Saints 31, Indianapolis Colts 17)
AKA ***The Day Hell Froze Over***



The above was inspired by my departed brothers-in-law Larry and Richard Burch (may they rest in peace)





Table of Contents:

Cajun Jokes
Taking No Chances
Remarrying
Roe vs Wade
Cheating
Boudreaux Gets the Job
Make a Sentence
Mary Lou
Boudreaux Daughter's Engagement
Boudreaux & the Game Warden Go Fishing
Boudreaux & the Elevator
Boudreaux & the Pig
Pierre & Boudreaux Go Hunting
Kindergarten Assignment
80 Mile an hour ticket
Boudreaux Goes to Confession
Air France Loves Birds
Cajun Airlines
Boudreaux Pays Respect
Boudreaux Marks the Spot?
Boudreaux Goes to Hell
Boudreaux meets St. Peter
Boudreaux's Death Notice
Mrs. Boudreaux Goes Into Labor
Boudreaux's Measuring Stick
Bear Hunt Trip
Cajun Christening
Planning Ahead
Cajun Telecommunications
Kitty waving Bye Bye
Boudreaux the Catholic
Jonah and the whale
Going crabbing?

What did the Cajun girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?






Other Jokes
Lying Lawyer
Dog Gone
The birds and the bees
Little Johnny in Class
Pleasing a Woman?
The Newlyweds
Name That Animal
The Italian
Evolution vs. Divine Intervention
Widdle Wabbit
Tribal secret
Where's the Post Office?
What is a wok?
Aarrrrgh!
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

Impressive Horse
What are a shark's two most favorite words?

Fantasies of Wealth
New Tax Form?
Sexual lessons
Confession
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

What kind of bees produce milk?
Why Marry
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

How does a rabbi make his coffee?

Hunting Accident?
Boy's Train
Argument
Loving Husband
Psychology
Dead Fish
Sex Discussion?
Where are average and common things manufactured?

Job Interview
What's Forrest Gump's password?
Nosy
Mailman's last day
Geeks
Numbers
Big Mistake
Rubber
Daughter's Questions
Bad Pun
Your duck is dead
Divorce for Christmas
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
Identity Crisis
Triple Execution
Three Kicks
Holy Lion
DEA Authority
Horny Rooster
Two Cowboys and the Indian
Confused
Who's Lying?
Not Quiet
Stand by your Man
Equitable Cop
Generous lawyer?
Letter of Thanks
Escapee
Feminine Foibles
Bubba Knows
Taxidermy
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Chinese Plane Crash
Fruit Loops
American?
Baby Cows?
To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
Dates to Remember in Louisiana
Gator Bird Wisdom
Dogs
Understanding Computer Technology





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Cocktail Recipes & Best Spirits
Recipes from Esquire Magazine, Liquor.com, SpruceEats, and others.
Along with my selections of Best Spirits!




If the Earth is warming, perhaps these are the real reasons -
here , here , here , here , here , and here.
Old Sol is warming also!



Bonus!
Dogs
Biking Dog
    My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad; finally I had to take his bike away.




Drill Sergeant calls for War Face!

Dogs are smarter than you might think